After many procedures, pain management appointments, medication changes and advice I am still struggling to come to terms with how my life has changed so drastically. Everything that used to be enjoyable like going down to the pub and having a few beers with my mates has become more of a chore. I don’t feel like doing anything that I used to do, I feel like I have to become a new person who is as far away from the person I was before the chronic pain and injuries. I think this is because I was so strong minded and confident back then that now I am so weak and vulnerable, I am scared that the people that once knew me would not like me anymore.
I can see that all the help and support I currently have is working really well but it doesn’t stop that little voice in the back of your head doubting your abilities to come to terms with a life of suffering from chronic pain. Some days I am happy and life seems to be getting better but those days are usually when I am high on pain medication, it seems like the pain medication is becoming an escape and not helping me come to deal with the problems that I have.
I have been seeing a Psychologist for well over a year now and I have found that it has really helped with my anxiety and how I think about things. But for some reason when I am in more pain than usual my anxiety gets a lot more intense and I begin to shake. I also see a Psychiatrist about my mental health disorders and have been put on antidepressants which at the start felt like they were helping a little bit but to be honest I think that when the pain gets worse nothing that they put me on will make me feel happy. So I am struggling to come to terms with this feeling of being lost and depressed, I feel like I should focus on something to help me get through this but what.
I am having to give up my career in the Australian Army because of my injuries and I just feel lost, I feel like I am at a crossroad and that I’m not sure I will take the right path. I wonder what career I should look at doing now, it will have to be something flexible as I have so many appointments and rehabilitation commitments that I can not possibly work full time again. This really frustrates me because I like to work, I like to be part of a team and I can’t imagine myself as a 28-year-old without having a career to work towards.
I have always liked to plan for the future and set goals for myself to achieve along the way. I have done this since I can remember, I write down where I want to be in the next 5 years and how I can achieve it. This type of goal setting has been working really well for me so far, I have achieved so many things in my life so far and I just wonder what can I do to achieve my new goal of living without pain. I try to solve this pain problem every minute of every day and find that this is one goal I can not achieve as the medical world does not currently know enough about pain to stop it.
So I face the fact that for now I either have to be off my face on pain medication or I can look at other ways to mentally cope with this pain. I have tried so many different techniques to deal with the pain but I feel like none of them have worked at all yet. If anyone who is reading this has any advice on how to deal with the pain please get in contact with me because I am struggling and the only thing that keeps me going is the way that I help other people who suffer from mental illness.
Since I have suffered from mental health I have changed so much, I now try to help as many people as I can who suffer from mental health related problems. I have found that helping others is so important and that the people that are really suffering can only be one nasty comment away from committing suicide. I personally have been involved with many friends who have either committed suicide or have tried and I believe that it is everyone responsibility to keep an eye on their friends. If you notice that someone is acting a bit different ask them if they are thinking about committing suicide, you might just save a life.
I will end this blog here and turn in for the night, I have struggled to keep my eyes open so apologies if the spelling and grammar are not the best.