I Am Struggling To Find Hope

Sleep has been very difficult the last few weeks. I can fall to sleep easily with the helping hand of some medications but I find myself having nightmares and waking up every 45 minutes, I wake up in shock and my heart is beating a million miles an hour but I can never remember the dream I just had.  I usually lay awake for at least half an hour after waking just trying to get in a comfortable position to calm the extreme pain I feel in my spine. Once I finally drift off to sleep this whole situation repeats itself all night long until I get up and make my way to the medicine cabinet and take my sleeping medication for the second time. The only downfall with the sleeping medication is that when it is mixed with my pain medication and mental health medication the following morning is full of double vision, headaches and feeling groggy for the rest of the day.

I have really been struggling with my pain the last few weeks, the pain has become worse now that the nerves in my spine are growing back after the last operation. I have spoken to many specialists and it seems now that there is not a whole lot that they can do now besides medicating me. I hate being on pain medication, the side effects become worse than the pain itself sometimes. I just wish that there was another option that could help me deal with the pain so I can go on living my life in a positive and happy way. It has taken a while to sink in that my life has completely changed and that I will need to be as strong as I possibly can to get through this.

The part that hurts me more than the pain itself is watching my partner suffer throughout this whole situation. She has been so strong for me the last few years and has stuck by me throughout the worst part of my life and now she has finally become depressed. I couldn’t understand how she was depressed to start with, I would wonder what does she have to be depressed about. But then it hit me, I imagined being in her shoes for the last few years and it made me realize that due to my conditions I was only focusing on myself and that I didn’t read the signs that she was un happy. Imagine watching the one you love in pain every day, struggling with mental health and becoming someone who is a stranger to you while keeping a brave face and pretending that it is not affecting you. This would break you down after a while and make you feel helpless that you can not help the person that you love, you can not take the pain away, you can not do anything to turn them into the person you fell in love with again. This breaks my heart seeing my partner so upset and it made me realize that suffering a chronic illness and mental health disorders does not only affect the person diagnosed but it affects the person closest to them.

Today was a very bad day for me, I have been putting on a brave face for so long that I am just physically and mentally exhausted. The day started off as every day does for me, I take my medication in the morning, I have a shower, I have breakfast and I have a shave before heading off to work. This morning though I woke up really groggy and could not wait to see my Dr who had canceled my last two appointments the previous weeks. I received a phone call from the Doctors yet once again a few hours before my appointment to notify me that my appointment was canceled again.  I started off feeling really angry because I needed my pain medication and also wanted to talk to my Doctor about the suicidal thoughts that I have been having the last few weeks.  I just broke down in tears inside my car at work, I had just hit rock bottom and felt like there was no way I could keep feeling like this. I went straight to see my psychologist and explained the situation and how I have been feeling and that it may seem like a little thing to cancel someone’s appointment three times in a row but that appointment could have been the difference between life or death. Luckily I understand a lot about suicide and can see the signs within myself early enough to get the help I need. I left the psychologists feeling a little bit better but I was still so upset that these suicidal thoughts kept popping into my head every day.

Anyone who reads this I just hope that you can understand that no matter how bad life gets suicide is not the only option. There are so many people who love and care for you and all you need to do is put your hand up and ask for help. Suffering from a mental illness does not mean you are weak or soft, mental illness does not discriminate it can affect anyone so let’s all come together and show support for one and other. I am so sick of the stigma around mental health and people who suffer being ashamed that they have a mental health disorder. Some how the world needs to accept that mental health is no joke, mental health is serious and we need to get the support out there to help as many people as we can.

Thanks for reading regards,




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